Rabu, 14 Desember 2011

Do you know what love is?

I often wonder what love really is. Sometimes I find myself asking,  is this how love is suppose to feel?
There used to be days I was really sure what it is. Moment of first love, the innocent fluttering feeling which comes out and lives within me with excitement and mades me confident, this was probably what it was supposed to feel like, this was what love was. Fresh and new and full of excitement. Then in the midst of smiles and laughter, tears came along,with anger and pain. What seemed to me like it was everlasting love, flew out of the window faster than I could say "yah or nay". Questions began to rise, isn't love suppose to be everlasting, or is it just a spur of the moment thing. Can you really lose love with time or was it ever really love that you felt flying by?
Second and third relationships ended up the same way. Things such as 'I felt love in the beginning, but somehow I lost it with you... you'd be better off without me, I can't be what you need' became a common quote. Innocent images of love get lost in the process. All you'd recall is just how 'love' doesn't last and that well maybe you just don't know what exactly love is supposed to be. You start to doubt yourself, thinking you must be the problem or you would have love right now.
Funny, how easy it is sometimes to forget all those happy moments you share with a person that you've build together for a period of time in just a blink of an eye... then later on only recall the pain which acts as the base for the defensive mechanism you unknowingly build around yourself. There is just a natural instinct to block out people once you get hurt. You think if you build up walls, no one will ever get in to hurt you again. Sometimes I guess maybe I chose not to believe in love so I don't get hurt yet again. I think sometimes I tell myself I am better off alone so I don't have to hear the familiar echo of "goodbye" playing again, this lonely song that continues over and over,  in my heart.
So here I am again, giving love another try. I'm back on this same track, but I am not sure what I am feeling. Can I find someone who will be good to me, someone who will be willing to accept me for all I am and all I have the potential to be? The image of love begins to blur. What exactly it is begins to be uncertain. I doubt almost everything and doubt most people to be genuine, but I still don't feel like I am all here. I feel there must be a missing piece to me, there must be another side to me, a better part of me just waiting for me to find them. We all must have that someone, the one who waits for us, just as we wait for them. 
In the end although I give it another shot, another chance, another backward glance, I am still not sure about this thing we call........


14th December 2011


-SMU

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