Best In Me

"From the moment I met you I just knew you'd be mine 
You touched my hand 
And I knew that this was gonna be our time 
I don't ever wanna lose this feeling 
I don't wanna spend a moment apart"

"Cause you bring out the best in me, like no-one else can do 
That's why I'm by your side, and that's why I love you"

"Every day that I'm here with you 
I know that it feels right 
And I've just got to be near you every day and every night 
And you know that we belong together 
It just had to be you and me" 

Cutted from Blue's song Best In Me.
I do love you, Muhammad Iqbal Sadewo.

-Siti Mariam Ulfa, 31 January 2013

We Should Fight Together :)

You only fix the things you feel deserve to be fixed, as if you're a special kind of person who doesn't deserve to sort their own life out because of who they are. Like your brokenness is a symptom of being you.

I'm paralyzed when I'm with you, always...

This is why it hurts the way it hurts.
I have too many words in my head. There are too many ways to describe the way I'm feeling. I will never have the luxury of a dull ache.

I must suffer through the intricacy of feeling too much.

I just scare I'm getting tired to fight, fight alone is never been easy.

I need you lifted me up to reach something that too high.

I need you to strenght me when I was weak.

I need you to hold my hand when I'm forget way home

That's why we should walk toghether, I just don't want to be a single figher to reach the success in this relationship. I do love you so much... This words always comes from my mouth but this is really what I'm feeling for you, and sometimes it feels so hard to believe.

Stay here &fight together, once again I do love you!

-SMU, end of October 00.45AM :)

The Thing

Maybe you'll forgive me but I'm professionally curious. I'm paid to be interesting. I'm indebted to mystery.
And perhaps you have thought that because I use simple words, I am an idiot savant who does not understand bigger ones, but I've experienced such limerance from a simple dulcet daliance with complexity that I've come to believe that such things almost always destroys a decent dénouement, which as I previously stated, is what I'm here for. 
I apologise again but I'm here for the intrigue. I'm here for the plot. For the exposition and if there's time for one more, a refrain.
So I'm not interested in what you have to tell me.
I am only interested in the things, you cannot say.
I know there's many thing you haven't told me yet.










-SMU, 6th April 2012

The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

They said he was gone and I didn't know how I would ever go on. To be in this world without the one man I could count on, the one man that never let me down, it had to be, impossibility. All my feelings were going at once. The memories, the talks, the long walks; the hugs, the laughter, the tears. There was no good reason for him to be gone, but the truth of this fact lingered on. I couldn't forget it, no matter how hard I tried. To say, it was unfair would be true, but I am smart enough to know, that bad things happen in this world.

My dad was an amazing man. He made me laugh at life and laugh at myself, almost all the time. He was my confidant, my best friend, and my belief in a world he created. He was a man that worked really hard for everything he had and he made sure me and my brother appreciated that. He put himself through college, no help from anyone. He saw life as something you make for yourself and not something you take. He gave me advice whenever I asked, always knew the right things to say, to put a smile on my face. The man believed that I should try all things and most of all, go after my dreams. He is the very reason I have confidence today. He is the reason I see this world as a good place. He had complete faith in God and always believed in his word and teachings. He never handed me anything, without me working hard for it. However, he would have given anything of himself to make sure I knew I was loved. Yes, my dad was hard to please at times, because he expected a lot. However, he gave more than he expected from others and I guess that’s where I got my good heart. He put many hopes on me like he always said to me "You have to be success and do it better from me."

I love the way he called me "Cah Ayu", "Cantik Ku", "Sayang Papa", and others lovely words.
I love when we were singing our favorite songs in his car.
I love when we were watching Soccer match.
I love the way he angry to me.
He's the caring one.

It’s been almost two long months for me since dad has been gone and I am still waking up each morning, finding the strength to go on. It still hurts, I still cry, I still look up to God and ask him why. I wonder if there will ever come a day when my dad is not my first thought of the day. I remember the last words he said to me as he lye in the hospital preparing to leave. He said "be strong, know you are loved, you are my little one". It makes me tear up to even write these words today, even though its been months since they were said. However, I know my dad would want me to write and let my words heal my broken spirit. With all my heart, I know he looks down on me and also always looks after me. I can feel his presence sometimes in my prayers, a song or a memory I linger on.

Each day I get stronger. My dad taught me to love with abandon, never regret and go after all I want in life, no matter what the critics might say. For this I am grateful and for the time I had. I thank God for the precious gift of the greatest man I ever knew, in my dad.

 

I love you all the way Sutrisno Basuki, from our home with love :-)

Sincere your-forever-after-little-girl, Siti Mariam Ulfa!

The Fact That I'm Just (Not) Perfect

(The highways are filled with the dead inside).

The highways are filled with people on their way to other people.

(Look at the way they're looking at you with glassy eyes).

Look at how lonely they are and desperate for another human.

(The world needs to be burned down. Look at the news).

The world is filled with beautiful people. Look at the news.

(Never apologise).

I'm sorry.

(I am me).

No.

You're not.

"Paradox, Siti Mariam Ulfa"

Do you know what love is?

I often wonder what love really is. Sometimes I find myself asking,  is this how love is suppose to feel?

There used to be days I was really sure what it is. Moment of first love, the innocent fluttering feeling which comes out and lives within me with excitement and mades me confident, this was probably what it was supposed to feel like, this was what love was. Fresh and new and full of excitement. Then in the midst of smiles and laughter, tears came along,with anger and pain. What seemed to me like it was everlasting love, flew out of the window faster than I could say "yah or nay". Questions began to rise, isn't love suppose to be everlasting, or is it just a spur of the moment thing. Can you really lose love with time or was it ever really love that you felt flying by?

Second and third relationships ended up the same way. Things such as 'I felt love in the beginning, but somehow I lost it with you... you'd be better off without me, I can't be what you need' became a common quote. Innocent images of love get lost in the process. All you'd recall is just how 'love' doesn't last and that well maybe you just don't know what exactly love is supposed to be. You start to doubt yourself, thinking you must be the problem or you would have love right now.

Funny, how easy it is sometimes to forget all those happy moments you share with a person that you've build together for a period of time in just a blink of an eye... then later on only recall the pain which acts as the base for the defensive mechanism you unknowingly build around yourself. There is just a natural instinct to block out people once you get hurt. You think if you build up walls, no one will ever get in to hurt you again. Sometimes I guess maybe I chose not to believe in love so I don't get hurt yet again. I think sometimes I tell myself I am better off alone so I don't have to hear the familiar echo of "goodbye" playing again, this lonely song that continues over and over,  in my heart.

So here I am again, giving love another try. I'm back on this same track, but I am not sure what I am feeling. Can I find someone who will be good to me, someone who will be willing to accept me for all I am and all I have the potential to be? The image of love begins to blur. What exactly it is begins to be uncertain. I doubt almost everything and doubt most people to be genuine, but I still don't feel like I am all here. I feel there must be a missing piece to me, there must be another side to me, a better part of me just waiting for me to find them. We all must have that someone, the one who waits for us, just as we wait for them. 

In the end although I give it another shot, another chance, another backward glance, I am still not sure about this thing we call........


14th December 2011


-SMU

DAD!

I have many story to tell, Dad! I wanna scream out!!!!!!!